Author Rob
Costelloe sits in for our Wednesday editors today to discuss trust in marital relationships.
Rob began writing fiction as a youngster and completed his first novel a few
years after college. He’s the author of two novels, Coinage of
Commitment, a National Indie Excellence Book Award finalist,
and Pocket Piece Cameo. He’s currently working on his third novel. Learn
more about Rob and his books at his website. – AP
Separate Accounts
My books
feature characters who want more from love that what they see all around them.
Something stronger, something higher, something worth pursuing. Part of that
pursuit is usually an effort to understand love. We can’t make it soar higher
or make it last longer unless we figure out how it works. This usually means
the characters need to take an intellectual as well as an emotional journey to
attain the emotional altitude they seek. And this opens up all sorts of
literary issues to explore. What conditions in their lives produced a hunger
for such fulfillment? And, of course, what are they going to do about it?
As an
author exploring such issues, I sometimes find myself reacting to relationship
issues that pop up in the strangest ways. For instance, I happened to be
walking through the den the other day and overheard a pundit on Fox News
exhorting prospective newlyweds to be sure to set up separate checking and
banking accounts. She seemed to be mentioning it as a kind of checklist item,
probably part of an array of recommendations—many of them likely tax
related—that she was reviewing for the benefit of people planning marriage. As
a kind of afterthought, she said—as I got closer to the limit of my hearing
range—that of course, in today’s hip, digital culture, with people more aware
and better informed than ever before, separate accounts were an elementary
safeguard for all parties concerned. As I walked out of range, I thought of
another advantage to separate accounts. If you don’t see the mess your spouse
makes of her account (and vice versa), then you’re not as likely to get upset
about it and argue over it.
But then it occurred to me
that this is one of those instances where the validity of your logic depends on
the premises you set. Yeah, if your priority concern is to “protect” the
individual members of a marriage, then separate accounts do provide that
assurance. But how far should such “protections” extend?
Most murders are products of
domestic violence, but does that make it wise for me to keep a pistol under my
pillow to protect me from my wife? Also, it doesn’t take long for the
realization to sink in that the protection is from each other. Do I need to be
protected from the woman I’ve vowed to love and cherish till death do us part?
More importantly, what message does establishing such protection send to one’s
spouse? “Okay, let me get this straight,” I can hear her say. “You say you love
me, that there will never be anyone for you but me, and that we are one flesh,
but with your actions you are saying that I can’t be trusted not to abscond
with all our liquid assets.” Worse yet is that she may not be saying that out
loud, but instead storing it in her heart as a corrosive doubt.
So what’s the right answer?
I think that depends on what you want out of marriage, and how much you are
willing to risk and invest in the romance we pledge as a lifetime commitment.
The guiding fundamental is that actions speak louder than words. In Coinage of Commitment, the female
protagonist tells the love of her life that she is assuming a posture of
emotional vulnerability and dependence on him. She does this to raise his
commitment to her emotional needs to a level he had not contemplated. As a
result of how he responds…well, better not to give away the surprise ending.
Coinage of Commitment
Wayne and Nancy grow up on opposite sides of the country, each certain they must have love better than what others will settle for. Something stronger, something richer, something worth searching for. During the turbulent nineteen-sixties, they meet while he is attending blue-collar Drexel, and she is at neighboring, Ivy League Penn. Although irresistibly drawn to each other, they must overcome obstacles posed by the class and social differences that separate them, as well as opposition from both families, and later, a twist of fate that will be the cruelest test of all. Can they reach the emotional heights they seek? Can they overcome time's downward pulling inertia? Coinage of Commitment is dedicated to all who ever wondered about the altitude love might soar to.
3 comments:
Good "food for thought".....the separate checkbooks is something to think about......not to mention pre-nups..
It's nice to hear a man's take on love and relationships. Separate checking accounts is something to think about, but like you say, it comes down to trust, and knowing your partner.
Coinage of Commitment sounds like my kind of book.
Having read both of them, I can say that the blog represents the underlying themes of Rob Costelloe's books quite well. They were refreshingly different from typical love stories.
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