AUTHOR HEATHER HAVEN'S P.I. LEE ALVAREZ ON TOILET TRAINING HER CAT

Heather Haven is a multi-award winning mystery author. Her work includes the Silicon Valley based Alvarez Family Murder Mysteries, the NYC trail-blazing WWII lady shamus of The Persephone Cole Vintage Mysteries, a stand-alone mystery noir, and an anthology of stories. Her latest endeavor is the soon-to-be-released Christmas Trifle, Book One of the Snow Lake Romantic Suspense Series. Today her P.I. sleuth Lee Alvarez stops by to discuss cat potty training. Learn more about Heather and her books at her website.

How I Potty-Trained My Cat

By P.I. Lee Alvarez

When I was a fairly new cat owner, I was struck by the idea of training my cat Tugger to use the facilities instead of the litter pan I tripped over every time I went into the laundry room. It can’t be so hard, I reasoned, even if he can’t work the flusher. After all, I am a Stanford graduate. I am a private detective. And Tugger is a very intelligent, obedient cat. Okay, he’s very intelligent. That’s a start.

After reading a particularly entrancing ad on the internet, I acted. Several days later, I received a pair of steel, reinforced gloves in the mail and a set of instructions that went like this:

Remember, it’s essential to take the upper hand when laying down the law to your cat. You can achieve your goal if your commands are clear and concise. You will be rewarded by an animal who loves you even more for your discipline. Below are three foolproof steps to employ:

1 – Discuss overall goal with self. You must be in total agreement with self on objective and how to achieve it. Keep cat out of room during this discussion. There is no sense in alerting cat ahead of time. They have their ways.

2 – Now relay overall goal to cat before you begin training process. You will find that sitting cat down in a quiet place, void of distractions, and outlining problem is the way to go. They will usually pay rapt attention to you, especially if you are waving catnip about. They may not remember all you’ve said, but it is a bonding experience.

3 –When you see cat doing business in litter pan, carefully lift animal out of pan while wearing aforementioned, patented gloves and carry to facility. Be sure lid is up. Firmly but gently, place back legs of said animal on either side of seat, smiling and chatting casually. Casualness is essential for success. After a few times of using firm but pleasant voice, you will be rewarded with a cat that accomplishes feat on his or her own.

Here are the steps they left out:

4 – Dry self off after cat and you splash about in toilet bowl. Apply Neosporin to scratches on upper arms and face. Clean up poop that landed on new rug while carrying cat from laundry room to bathroom.

5 – Transfer litter pan from laundry room to bathroom, so it will be closer to ultimate goal.

6 – Using ladder, get wet cat off top shelf of linen closet and towel dry. Put more Neosporin on new bites and scratches, bearing in mind you have to break an egg to make an omelet. Although at the moment, you have no time to cook.

7 – Introduce cat to new location of litter pan in one and only bathroom of house. Leave lid of toilet up even though you are a woman and you are used to it being down when not in use.

8 – Clean up cat poop in laundry room done by now confused cat that went behind dryer on your new, washable silk blouse that fell there earlier in the day and you forgot to retrieve. Rewash blouse. Hope claw marks will not show.

9 – Return to bathroom. Because you left toilet lid up, remove rubber ducky and bottle of expensive perfume that fell in when you and cat were engaged in wrestling match. Wash ducky and perfume bottle thoroughly.

10 – To continue training process, stand guard over litter pan waiting for opportunity to catch cat using again. Sleep in bathtub overnight.

11 –Bandage big toe that got stuck in faucet during night. Wash foot that stepped into litter pan as you were trying to get out of tub, overturning litter pan in process. Curse Internet. Curse cat litter. Curse all cats.

12 – Exhausted, track down cat and spy him curled up in bed on top of your favorite pillow, looking like the innocent you know he isn’t, but you realize you love him, anyway.

13 – Stagger back to bathroom. Shut toilet. Refill and remove litter pan. Return pan to laundry room. On knees, scrub down bathroom and use one hundred twenty-five dollar an ounce perfume to help mask odor you believe to be coming from recently removed litter pan. Realizing it is you who smells. Take shower to remove odor and excess kitty litter from hair and body. Put soothing moisturizer on chaffed knees, re-bandage toe, and reapply Neosporin to bites and scratches. Throw what’s left of perfume behind your ears; what the hey.

14 – Pray cat forgets entire 24-hour experience and will resume litter pan usage in laundry room. While you’re at it, pray boobheads that sold you reinforced gloves will take them back.

15 – Crawl into bed next to sleeping, purring cat that snuggles next to you, while you thank God for short memories.

Marriage Can Be Murder: A Mystery Novella

The Lee Alvarez and Gurn Hanson Mysteries, Book 2

Someone is trying to kill Delores De La Vega, an aging but legendary movie star known as much for her looks and numerous marriages as her acting ability. Now an animal activist and fabulously wealthy, she’s about to change her will in favor of the daughter she gave up at birth for adoption, making a claim on her biological mother’s billions.

With a woman as dramatic as Delores De La Vega, it’s all or nothing, so she’s planning to write out everyone else previously in the will. But can she live long enough to make the changes? And just who is trying to kill her? Is it one or all of her many -exes set to be cut out of millions? Or the onsite vet who might be more than a friend? Or is it one of the dozens of staff members, also being rejected in favor of the newly discovered daughter? Lee and Gurn, the Nick and Nora Charles of Silicon Valley, find no lack of suspects when death stalks a Portola Valley animal sanctuary.

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#COOKING WITH CLORIS--GUEST AUTHOR VINNIE HANSEN ON CUBA AND BLACK BEANS

Vinnie Hansen is the author of the Carol Sabala Mystery Series, the stand-alone novel Lostart Street, and numerous short stories. Still sane after 27 years of teaching high-school English, Vinnie has retired and lives in Santa Cruz, California, with her husband and the requisite cat. Learn more about her and her books at her website. 

For those who want all the creature comforts of home, Cuba may not be the travel destination for you. The long-standing embargo has created many shortages, including a lack of basic staples like salt. The Cuban people compensate for the dearth of supplies with great resourcefulness—nothing goes to waste. But the island is better suited as a destination for those who like locations precisely because they don’t have a Starbuck’s on every corner. People like my husband and me.  

While my husband and I enjoy cultures that are different than ours, we don’t necessarily relish the arduous process of getting there. Cuba beckoned us—a non-stop flight to Cancun and then a simple hour hop to Havana. Fairly simple travel to be in one of only two places in the world without Coca-Cola.

We ventured (illegally) to Cuba in 2010, where we traveled for a month, staying in casas particulares, private homes that rent out rooms and provide breakfast. The typical breakfast is white bread, possibly jam and honey, coffee, eggs, juice, and fresh fruit. Because of the embargo, the fruit includes choices from what grows in Cuba—guavas, pineapple, mangos, watermelon, and small, firm bananas. There is a good chance what you eat will be organically grown. But don’t expect variety!

While the menu items may not vary, the quality can vary widely. We were served everything from rotten bananas and instant coffee with powdered milk, to sweet fresh fruit and strong, delicious Cuban coffee.

Danny and I were on our own to scout out other meals. According to a billboard, Cubans eat Cuban pork. As non-meat eaters, we never tried Cuba’s famous pulled pork. A standard meal for us was fish with cristianos and moros—white rice (imported from Vietnam) and black beans.

Woman cooking black beans in Cuba

This is a typical meal for the locals, as well, although Cubans don’t eat in the same restaurants as tourists, unless, by some miracle they can afford it. Cubans have their own eating establishments where tourists are not allowed, and the food is a tenth of the price. We had a connection to a Cuban citizen who snuck us into one of these out-of-sight diners. We rapped on a door behind the tourist restaurant and were admitted to a galley-room with about four tables and no windows. The food, though, was no doubt the same fare that was being eaten in the restaurant in front.  

Although Americans have been restricted in their travel to Cuba, that doesn’t mean the country lacks tourists. We met people from all over the world. The Cuban government has started to allow privately owned and operated restaurants to serve these visitors. Some of them are quite good. We even managed to eat pizza one night!

But even in these spots, one has two choices for beer—light or dark. Steak is practically unheard of. Even with chicken, expect only dark meat. White meat is reserved for mucky-mucks, or so we were told.

The colorful culture of Cuba provides the backdrop for Black Beans & Venom, the seventh book in my Carol Sabala Mystery Series.

Because Cuban people lack resources, Cuban black beans can be bland. My friend Huve Rivas supplied the following recipe. He hails from Puerto Rico and this is an adaptation of a recipe from his mother, Carmen Olmeda Rivas. The people of Puerto Rico like their black beans a little soupier than the people of Cuba. These are truly delicious!

Black Beans

Serves 8

2 tsp. olive oil

1 pound of black beans

8 oz. can tomato sauce

sofrito (sautéed onion, cilantro, clove of garlic, 1 bell pepper, lots of cilantro in olive oil)

10-12 olives (pimiento stuffed)

1 T. capers

2 cubed medium-sized potatoes

Enough water to keep an inch or two above beans while cooking

salt to taste

1 tsp. ground cumin (optional)

Rinse beans and let them soak in a pot of water overnight to soften. (Use whatever water is not absorbed for cooking.)

Lightly sauté sofrito.

In a large pot place beans, cover with water, and bring to a boil. Lower flame to bring beans to simmer.

Add salt and sofrito (you can add extra raw cilantro). Let it simmer 20-30 min., then add potatoes, olives, capers, and tomato sauce.

Cook for another 30-40 minutes or until beans are tender. Don’t let the water level go below beans. Gently stir every once in a while. Some people simmer beans uncovered while others cover with a lid.

Black Beans & Venom, Book 7 of the Carol Sabala Mysteries

No one wants P.I. Carol Sabala to take the case. Her boss is apprehensive about an illegal investigation in Cuba. Carol’s boyfriend worries about her physical safety. But the client is rolling in dough, the office has unpaid bills, and Carol chafes under the mundane tasks assigned to her.

In Old Havana, Carol sets off to track down Megan, the client’s missing daughter, who is battling metastasizing cancer and running from a sociopathic boyfriend. Struggling in the exotic world of the island, Carol races to find Megan, before the disease or her ex-boyfriend kills her.

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GUEST AUTHOR HEATHER HAVEN ON BLENDED HERITAGE SLEUTHS

Some people say America is a melting pot; others call it a salad bowl. Either way we’re a country made up of many cultural and ethnic groups that have played a huge part in making us who we are as a whole, both enriching and educating us. Heather Haven has tapped into this amalgam in her Alvarez Family Mystery series by creating a character whose genes are one part Mexican immigrant, one part Caucasian blueblood—and all parts fun to read.

Award-winning author Heather began her writing career at No Soap Radio in New York City. Learn more about her and her books at her website. 

People have asked what inspired me to write the Alvarez Family Mysteries. The answer is I’m intrigued by the dynamics of familial relationships and America’s history of immigrants rising to heights often unattainable in their native countries.

That lofty statement made – and pahdon me whilst I play the grand piano – the truth is there’s something about a family who does their darnedest to be supportive and positive no matter what, that can be heartwarming and often hilarious. So enter the Alvarez Family, owners of Discretionary Inquiries, a Silicon Valley based detective agency.

The lineup includes Liana (Lee), protagonist and in-house detective; Lila, CEO, aristocratic, never-had-a bad-hair-day mother; Richard, computer nerd kid brother, brilliant but goofy; Tío, uncle and retired executive chef who gives unconditional love while frying up the best tortillas in town; and, of course, Tugger, the foundling kitten helping to reunite the family in a most passive yet feline way.

Regarding Lee Alvarez, I wanted the protagonist of the series to be an intelligent, quirky, and flawed woman, but not so much so she can’t learn and grow. Mainly, Lee’s happy to be in the world. She loves life. She strives to be a B&BP or a bigger and better person, even while she’s spilling coffee all over herself. I adore her and hope it shows.

Also, and this is important to me, she’s of blended heritage, half Mexican immigrant (her father’s side) and half Palo Alto Blueblood (her mother’s side) i.e., Mexican American. There are days when she’s up, down, all over the place.

I can relate to this big time. The Italian half of my family came to the States at the turn of the 20^th century, when it was difficult to be an Italian immigrant. Traditionally, the newest ones in are always the most challenged. But also traditionally, immigrants usually work hard to integrate, to become useful and respected members of our society. No pity, just hard work, with love and good times thrown in. Olé!

The Alvarez Family Mystery Series shows a family managing to capture the American dream today while stumbling over dead bodies and solving crimes in one of the hottest places in the nation, Silicon Valley. All with a few laughs.

I am proud to say Murder is a Family Business, Book 1 of the Alvarez Family Murder Mysteries, is included in Sleuthing Women: 10 First-in-Series Mysteries. The lineup of the other nine authors is impressive as will see below. We are a murdering lot, but fun!

Sleuthing Women: 10 First-in-Series Mysteries is a collection of full-length mysteries featuring murder and assorted mayhem by ten critically acclaimed, award-winning, and bestselling authors. Each novel in the set is the first book in an established multi-book series—a total of over 3,000 pages of reading pleasure for lovers of amateur sleuth, caper, and cozy mysteries, with a combined total of over 1700 reviews on Amazon, averaging 4 stars. Titles include:

Assault With a Deadly Glue Gun, an Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery by Lois Winston—Working mom Anastasia is clueless about her husband’s gambling addiction until he permanently cashes in his chips and her comfortable middle-class life craps out. He leaves her with staggering debt, his communist mother, and a loan shark demanding $50,000. Then she’s accused of murder…

Murder Among Neighbors, a Kate Austen Suburban Mystery by Jonnie Jacobs — When Kate Austen’s socialite neighbor, Pepper Livingston, is murdered, Kate becomes involved in a sea of steamy secrets that bring her face to face with shocking truths—and handsome detective Michael Stone.

Skeleton in a Dead Space, a Kelly O’Connell Mystery by Judy Alter—Real estate isn’t a dangerous profession until Kelly O’Connell stumbles over a skeleton and runs into serial killers and cold-blooded murderers in a home being renovated in Fort Worth. Kelly barges through life trying to keep from angering her policeman boyfriend Mike and protect her two young daughters.

In for a Penny, a Cleopatra Jones Mystery by Maggie Toussaint—Accountant Cleo faces an unwanted hazard when her golf ball lands on a dead banker. The cops think her BFF shot him, so Cleo sets out to prove them wrong. She ventures into the dating world, wrangles her teens, adopts the victim’s dog, and tries to rein in her mom…until the killer puts a target on Cleo’s back.

The Hydrogen Murder, a Periodic Table Mystery by Camille Minichino—A retired physicist returns to her hometown of Revere, Massachusetts and moves into an apartment above her friends' funeral home. When she signs on to help the Police Department with a science-related homicide, she doesn't realize she may have hundreds of cases ahead of her.

Retirement Can Be Murder, A Baby Boomer Mystery by Susan Santangelo—Carol Andrews dreads her husband Jim’s upcoming retirement more than a root canal without Novocain. She can’t imagine anything worse than having an at-home husband with time on his hands and nothing to fill it—until Jim is suspected of murdering his retirement coach.

Dead Air, A Talk Radio Mystery by Mary Kennedy—Psychologist Maggie Walsh moves from NY to Florida to become the host of WYME's On the Couch with Maggie Walsh. When her guest, New Age prophet Guru Sanjay Gingii, turns up dead, her new roommate Lark becomes the prime suspect. Maggie must prove Lark innocent while dealing with a killer who needs more than just therapy.

A Dead Red Cadillac, A Dead Red Mystery by RP Dahlke—When her vintage Cadillac is found tail-fins up in a nearby lake, the police ask aero-ag pilot Lalla Bains why an elderly widowed piano teacher is found strapped in the driver’s seat. Lalla confronts suspects, informants, cross-dressers, drug-running crop dusters, and a crazy Chihuahua on her quest to find the killer.

Murder is a Family Business, an Alvarez Family Murder Mystery by Heather Haven—Just because a man cheats on his wife and makes Danny DeVito look tall, dark and handsome, is that any reason to kill him? The reluctant and quirky PI, Lee Alvarez, has her work cut out for her when the man is murdered on her watch. Of all the nerve.

Murder, Honey, a Carol Sabala Mystery by Vinnie Hansen—When the head chef collapses into baker Carol Sabala’s cookie dough, she is thrust into her first murder investigation. Suspects abound at Archibald’s, the swanky Santa Cruz restaurant where Carol works. The head chef cut a swath of people who wanted him dead from ex-lovers to bitter rivals to greedy relatives.

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