Casting the Movie Version of my Life
By Anastasia Pollack
Several years ago, a producer expressed interest in the eponymous series author Lois Winston writes about me. This producer pitched the idea to the production company where she worked. Everyone was onboard. Lois met with the owner and two producers, and they optioned The Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries. They then set about hiring a writer to create a treatment to pitch the idea to various networks. This production company had already created many movies and series for a variety of cable networks. I was over the moon!
Lois cautioned me not to get too excited, though. She’d been down this road twice before with Talk Gertie to Me, the humorous women’s fiction that was her first published book. She knew that 99.99% of all books optioned for movies or TV are never made. Still, I couldn’t help but have high hopes. I figured the universe owed me, given all the murder and mayhem Lois subjects me to in each book.
Needless to say, the production company struck out. I knew I was too much of a sassy Jersey Girl for Hallmark mysteries, but I really thought one of the other networks would enjoy getting to know me. But as of now, I won’t be ready for my closeup anytime soon. However, since hope springs eternal, I thought I’d share with you my dream cast.
I think Tina Fey would be an absolutely perfect choice to play me. Lois agrees. And who better to play my BFF food editor Cloris McWerther than Tina’s bestie Amy Pohler (even if Cloris is a Size Two dripping wet.)
As for Zack, Lois has described him as someone whose DNA cavorted in the same primordial pool as Hugh Jackman, Pierce Brosnan, and Antonio Banderas. I’d take any of those hunks, but she’s pushing for Hugh Jackman because the guy can sing and dance. To my knowledge, Zack is neither a singer nor a dancer, and I should know, right? But if you know anything about my author, you know she’d be perfectly happy spending the rest of her life on Broadway—and I don’t mean Broadway, Nashville.
I’m thinking possibly Kelsey Grammer as Anastasia’s half-brother-in-law Ira Pollack and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Tino Martinelli.
The remainder of the cast gets a bit tricky because I’d have to fiddle with the space/time continuum. I’d love to see Mama played by Ellen Burstyn but the Ellen Burstyn of the 1980s.
Unfortunately, two of my other choices are no longer with us. So I’d have to fiddle with the universe even more to make these casting choices work. If you ever watched The Sopranos, you’ll know Nancy Marchand, who played Tony’s mother Livia Soprano, would be a perfect Lucille. And Estelle Getty, Sophia from The Golden Girls, would have been perfect as Harriet Kleinhample.
As for Nick, Alex, Sophie, and Sophie’s dad Shane, I haven’t pinned those down yet. Any suggestions?
P.S.: Ralph has demanded to play himself, claiming Hollywood would have a hard time finding another African Grey parrot with as much knowledge of Shakespeare.