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Friday, July 9, 2010


Today’s guest author at Book Club Friday was supposed to be Deborah Sharp. Deborah, a Florida native and former USA Today reporter,  writes the funny, Southern-fried ''Mace Bauer Mystery'' series, featuring Mace's wacky mama. However, instead of Deborah showing up, Mama took over, as she so often does. If you’d like to learn more about Deborah, visit her at www.DeborahSharp.com. Hopefully, her mama hasn’t taken over her website. -- AP
Well, I guess the first order of business is for me to apologize to Anastasia and all the nice folks at American Woman magazine for all the nasty things I've said about New Jersey. That gal couldn't be nicer, and she's proved the untruth of every single thing I've learned from TV's Jersey Shore. Well, maybe not everything. Some of Anastasia's friends seem to glow with suspicious tans, and I did spot one of them sporting a hairdo like Snooki's. Believe me, where I work at Hair Today Dyed Tomorrow Beauty Parlor in Himmarshee, Fla., we'd know what to do with that awful pouf. We'd deflate it right quick, like sticking a pin in an ugly blister.

All right, back to my apology . . . you have to understand, those of us down here in the South can feel a little sensitive about Northerners. When you've had to listen for years and years to transplants moving down, then telling you how every single thing in the world is better Up North, well you're about ready to hog-tie and skin the next know-it-all Yankee who opens his or her big mouth. Even so, I have nothing against Northerners. I even married one: Sal Provenza, a proud son of the Bronx. That's in New York City, y'all. He's my fifth husband, but let's keep that between us, okay?

It wasn't so easy to be nice before the wedding, when I first met Sal's bulldozer of a cousin-in-law, C'ndee Ciancio. But being a well-bred Southern lady, I refrained from knocking her teeth down her throat, just to watch her spit 'em out single-file. Someone else wasn't as restrained, however. This gal ended up at my bridal shower, rolling around with C'ndee in spilled punch and smashed cake and ruining the hostess's lilac shag carpet  That was after C'ndee had hired the male stripper to come dance at my bachelorette party at the Speckled Perch restaurant. You should have heard the gasps from my Sunday School group. But, you know, that turned out all right after all. It's amazing how much sin you can overlook after a  case of sweet pink wine  and a few rounds of Boot Scootin' Boogie with a shirtless cowboy in leather chaps.

Now, I can't say the same for the wedding itself. Oh, sure, my daughters looked gorgeous in their Scarlett O'Hara gowns, even if my middle girl Mace never did stop complaining about having to wear a lacy hat, carry a parasol, and tote a cute drawstring purse, all in the same ruffled lime-sherbet shade as her dress. And my Pomeranian, Teensy, looked adorable as the ring bearer, in his little satin vest and doggy top hat. Still, it definitely put a crimp in the proceedings, finding the caterer dead in the VFW's kitchen even before the first pig-in-the-blanket was passed.

Anyhoo, you can read all about my wedding in MAMA GETS HITCHED . It's the third book that Fancy Pants author, Deborah Sharp, has written featuring my stories. She tries to take all the credit, but all she really does is write down my life. Where's the skill in that? If you happen to meet her, be sure to remind her whose name is in the title of Mama Does Time, Mama Rides Shotgun, and this latest one, Mama Gets Hitched.

And speaking of weddings, After all the mess was cleaned up, my oldest girl, Maddie, got some lovely pictures of My Special Day. Maybe Anastasia would want to run a spread in American Woman magazine? Everybody in Himmarshee is calling it the Wedding of the Century. Frankly, I think Mace was being a smart aleck when she named it that, but it did seem to catch on.

You'll let me know if it runs in the magazine, won't you Anastasia honey? I'll ask my cousin's boy, Bubba, to pick up some copies at one of those New York City newsstands. He's a dancer now, in those shows on Broadway street. He's asked everyone to quit calling him Bubba and call him Bertrand instead. Which is fine by me. That's who he is, after all.

Phone's ringing, so I better sign off. I bet it's my youngest, Marty. She's taking me to the Home on the Range Feed Store and Clothing Emporium, where they just got in that new sherbet-colored pantsuit I wanted.  Bye-bye, y'all. Oh, yeah ... and I'm sorry about New Jersey.

Love, Mama

Hmm...I'm thinking if we got Deborah's Mama and my Mama together, we'd have one very interesting get-together! Deborah is giving away a copy of MAMA GETS HITCHED to one lucky blog reader who has posted a comment this week. So if you haven't posted a comment so far this week, better do so now. The winner will be announced tomorrow. -- AP


Dee said...

I love books about the South and Southern folks. I, too, live in FL and have met folks who like to say things like if it's so much better up North, Delta is ready when you are.
Dee Gatrell
Another Floridian--formerly of OH--long ago

Janet said...

I love these books. Mama Gets Hitched will (I hope) arrive in the mail today. I'm looking forward to having it for my weekend read.

Deborah Sharp said...

Hi, Dee: Love that Delta line. I might just steal it!
Janet: Hope you enjoy HITCHED. I had a lot of fun writing it, though I have to say I've gotten confused about where the Mama character leaves off and where I begin ... I spent hours looking at tulle in the fabric store's wedding aisle the other day!

Neil Plakcy said...

Very funny-- looking forward to the ceremony, Mama! I'll try and bring some Jersey boy attitude.

Kttycat said...

Lol sound like some great laugh out loud books.

jeff7salter said...

I really enjoyed getting to 'meet' Mama in the editorial ( ? soliloquy ? ) above. She sounds like a hoot.
Born in MS, raised in southeast LA, and having worked for decades in northwest LA, I know a good bit about the Gulf coastal states.
We had a next-door neighbor from Nebraska for a few years. Nice lady, nice family ... her boys played with our kids. Her hubby kept to himself.
She was in my office one day (it was her only visit to my office --- don't now recall why she was there) and was griping about how LA was so backward and so deficient in every measurable way. I took a good bit of it, but when she seemed to want to continue, I stopped her and said, "I understand you must miss where you came from, but I live here and I like it here and I'm tired of hearing people criticize everything it."
That's not verbatim, but pretty close.
She gave me the strangest look, as if, "you mean, you don't appreciate me b*tching about your home turf?"
She never complained again -- in my presence -- about NW LA. Maybe she continued to gripe to my wife ... don't know.
Anyway, I really like the energy and tone of your writing and I'm eager to read your books.
Jeff Salter

Anonymous said...

I'm loving Mama and Mace. Can't wait to read all about the wedding. Dee and Deb I'm sure that those "It's Done this Way Up North" people can find a ride on more that Delta and I'd be glad to drive them to the airport!

Cris Anson said...

Mace's Mama has the funniest voice I've read in a long time. I love it!

Deborah Sharp said...

Uh-oh, Neil... you're not going to whack me, are you? I swear it was Mama ... I LOVE New Jersey!

Kerry said...

I laughed out loud (again). Now tell me when the next book is coming out!?!

Kathy said...

I'm surprised Mama wasn't the murder victim after making Mace wear a lime sherbet Gone with the Wind dress.

The only gripe I have with the south is the heat but at the moment, the southern states are probably cooler than New Jersey. BTW, I was born in New Jersey and have lived here all my life and the only good thing I can say about it is that where I live, no matter which direction you drive you're leaving the state.


Oh, Kathy, dissing your own stomping grounds? Cruel. Where's your Jersey 'tude? I'm thinking if Mace's mama and my mama ever got together, it might be the start of the Civil War, Part 2. But you never know. They could wind up being the best of friends. Detente, anyone?

Lynn Barker Steinmayer said...

Mama sounds wonderful! I will have to look up these books in the library.

Deborah Sharp said...

Oh, Anastasia ... detente? Where's the Jersey 'tude in THAT? :-)
Kathy: Yep, Mama could be prosecuted for crimes of fashion ... Gone with the Wind gowns -- horrifying in any color, but especially lime sherbet.
Kerry: thanks, honey... I see you posted twice to get my total comment count up!
Kittycat, Cris and Nancy: Thanks for the nice words about Mama, y'all.
Jeff: Honey, almost everything out of Mama's mouth is a soliloquy! PS: Loved your response to the Nebraska snob (now, there's 2 words you don't often see used together!)

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Riley Adams said...

Love it! I've got Mama's latest adventure and am excited about reading it next week! :)

jeff7salter said...

If I agree to give "Mama" a neck rub, will that increase my chances of winning the free book?


I want to thank Deborah for letting Mace's mama come over to play today at Killer Crafts & Crafty Killers. Not that Deborah had much choice in the matter, given that mama hijacked the blog.

The winner of Mama Gets Hitched will be announced here tomorrow. So don't forget to stop by to see if you've won. And if you haven't left a comment on the blog, now's your chance to do so in order to be entered in the drawing.


Sorry, Jeff. Offering to give mama a neck rub isn't going to increase your chances of winning the book. On the other hand, offering me one...
Only kidding. The drawing is totally on the up and up.

Kathleen Ernst said...

Fun stuff! Can't wait to read the newest book.

jeff7salter said...


Larion aka Larriane Wills said...

they can compare as much as they want in my book, but it's the ones who try to change it to their way that annoy me. why did they come here if they like it so much there I wanna know.

sue v. said...

Love,love,love Mama, Mace, Maddie and Marty, they are a real hoot. Can't get enough of them. Will be reading Mama Gets Hitched as soon as I finish Mama Rides Shotgun. Deborah Sharp is an amazing writer, who really makes you feel down home. All four girls are sassy and bright in their own way and it has been a delight to have found these books.

Deborah Sharp said...

Hi, there .... Just wanted to say thanks to Sue V. for the sweet things she said about Mama and her girls in that comment. In fact, I'm wishing I could reprint ''Can't get enough of them'' as a blurb for my next book!
thanks for commenting,
Deborah Sharp